(08/07/20)

So this is the beginning. If you haven't read what this is all about I would love for you to check out my short philosophy here. Otherwise, feel free to jump into my musings.
 

Burning bridges is something I do best. I spent a large portion of my life running away from people and slowly minimizing the community around me. I estranged myself from my family, ghosted friends, relationships, and networks. I felt as if I was the only person in my life that I could depend on, and making myself vulnerable and fully embracing someone else's love and support would only lead to heartache and failure.

In turn, these thoughts reinforced the idea that I was some sort of underdog or lone wolf. As a result, I felt as if I could only survive and succeed with the skill of my own two hands. This is not necessarily an unusual mentality or archetype, instead, it is an incredibly relatable one (if not as a defining personality trait, as a circumstantial one in professional and social situations). I spent a lot of my time fighting and rebelling against everyone and everything. I ended up feeling like some sort of pariah. I felt as if no one could really love or support me, and so I started to feel unloveable.

This type of lifestyle ends up pretty bleak. I had a lot of friends, but I didn't feel close or honest with most of them. My relationships were disastrous and ended in bouts of insecurity. And professionally, I lacked success due to not being able to remove my ego from my work. While it's easy to acknowledge that "no man is an island unto himself" (sans the religious undertones in this case), it's another thing entirely to actually believe it.

There were, of course, some silver linings to this mentality. The relationships that I did allow myself were incredibly passionate and strong. I loved with reckless abandon, developed a strong sense of loyalty to my best friends, and grew closer to my younger sibling. These actions of authenticity and honesty brought a sense of belonging and connection that I had rejected for most of my life.

What I didn't realize at the time, and what I'm learning now, is that these relationships and feelings didn't have to be contained within such a small group of individuals. They could be replicated over and over again in all aspects of my life. There was an underlying fear of rejection and failure that I didn't realize I was constantly trying to run away from. Had I known this from the start, that if I showed up as my most authentic self - honest, with arms wide open and loving, as I wanted to be loved, that it would have been a lot easier to find my way and I would have been better off for it.

The sum of our experiences is just as strongly affected by those around us, as they are by the decisions we make. Whether it's a friend who first introduces you to a romantic partner, a peer that helps you land your first job, or someone who introduces you to the very thing that becomes your passion and changes your life. But when you close yourself off from people, you also close off the potential opportunities for happiness and growth. The inverse of this is, that the more you open yourself up to the world, the more likely you are to grow and succeed. Like a flower planted in the dark versus one that faces the sun. Sure, there might be trials and tribulations, pain and heartache; but in the end, you have to believe that the rewards will eventually outweigh the risk.

This is the purpose of this blog I guess, to grow my circle and to open myself up to the world. Hopefully, there is something to be gleaned from these ramblings, a truth I never realized, or maybe these words will strike a chord with someone who feels the same way. Hopefully, as I continue to work on myself and this site, we will all grow together. I guess that's enough writing for now. I want to thank you for reading this far and for stepping into my circle. I hope that you'll continue to support this project of mine by staying tuned in, after all, this is only the beginning.